Day 76 (May 31)
Today was a “normal” day (at least our new “normal,” which entails multiple medication dispenses, constant wripe-downs, disinfectings, and sanitizings, and luckily lots of giggles), and there is nothing medical to report. So, I wanted to take up this space to explain a bit what it means to have a child who is suffering. Think of the first time your child coughed or had a fever. How frantic you were. What if it got worse? What if there is a more sinister underlying problem? What if the suffering won’t end? How do I help this child? These are split second thoughts that rip through your mind. And if it continues on, or is a chronic situation, the prayers to the various dieties becomes the prayer of the parent: please give me the pain. leave my kid alone. and while you are busy worrying your eyes out, something amazing happens, something you didn’t count on. Your kid reminds you that they are alive. And they are stronger and more resilient than you. They are less jaded and more hopeful than you. They are less scared and more determined than you. So while you do what you can to relieve the child of pain and /or suffering, just remember, your kid is doing all of that even more than you. And whatever your child has been through, physically and emotionally, they pull through because of themselves. You’re just there to make it easier for them to do so.
Oh Tansy, this is my favorite posting of yours yet. I’m actually at a bit of a loss for words. I think I’ll digest and get back with you tomorrow. Thanks for this! love, Dana
June 1st, 2007 | #
Thank G-d for the giggles, because this was heavy stuff. If Haley can giggle, than she is strong enough to get through this illness. Luckily, she is too young to formulate all the “whys”, “hows” and “what ifs”, though you are being besieged by those questions instead. I think today’s insight gave a very deep window into what you are going through emotionally. Tansy, you will prevail and so will Haley and so will your whole family. This feels like a very dark tunnel, but the light at the end is shining through. We send our love and our tears and our hopes.
June 1st, 2007 | #
Hi Haley,
I’m writing directly to you to tell you something you already know. You are so lucky to have such a special mommy and daddy and a real live Cinderella kid sister. I know you are brave and resilient,
but there is nothing like a family’s love to give you the extra boost when the going gets rough.
I’m happy that those blood leechers are giving you a breather. Afterall, even the best blood factory (and yours is the best) needs to take a rest. It can’t always churn out blood on demand without paying a price.
How many months old are you now?
We look forward to some pictures of you and Anna when Mommy feels the time is right. Much love and kisses to both of you (sterile ones, that is!)
June 1st, 2007 | #
Tansy–you and Ranan are doing a great job making easier for Haley to pull through. Love, Heather
June 1st, 2007 | #
Wow. I think that is how we all feel about you. We wish we could each take a day’s worth of worry and cleaning and fear and give you some respite and then we see how strong and resilient and smart and funny and strong again you are about everything. You and Haley are our heroes.
June 1st, 2007 | #
Dear Tansy,
I was thinking last night about how much your posts have changed as Haley’s condition improves. Here are things that I am grateful that are different:
Haley giggles a lot more.
She gets to be held by her mama and father w/o either being swathed in mask/gown/gloves
She has a happy, loving sister to hang out with
She can live in a swanky NY pad instead of the hospital
She gets to enjoy new foods and keep them down!!!!
She gets to have good long sleeps
She gets outings in Central Park
She has had a successful bone marrow transplant
She is producing Tcells and platelets like crazy
Hooray for a better time in Haley’s life!!!
Shabbat Shalom and love from us all,
Lindsay
June 1st, 2007 | #
Tansy, hello again. I reflected on your lovely post all morning. You pointed out such a wonderful thing: that Haley is strong and alive and improving. And you have done so much to help that along. And it’s also happening for reasons beyond your control: because she has a strong little body and unstoppable spirit. Isn’t that a relief in a sense? That GOOD things can happen which are beyond your control? I sense that you spend a lot of time worrying about the bad things that can happen which are under your control (wiping, purelling, sanitizing), so I’m glad that you took a moment to absorb the WONDERFUL things that are happening which are beyond your control. Not sure if this makes one lick of sense to anyone but me, but just know that I’m thinking of you and feeling happy that you are sensing Haley’s strength. love, D
June 1st, 2007 | #
Tansy,
What a beautiful and powerful thought. I have been checking your blog frequently, and it has helped me focus on your daughter in my davening. I cannot imagine how you overcome your anxiety and fears to get through the day, but the effort truly is heroic. I hope that you continue to have the incredible strength that you give not only to your daughter, but to all of us following along with you.
Regards to Ranaan.
Reuven Spolter
June 1st, 2007 | #
Tansy,
Thank you. Your post had particular significance for me today. I will share that with you off-blog. Suffice it to say that parental love, once ignited, can never be extinguished. xxoo cristina
June 1st, 2007 | #